nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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