did you get engaged???
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
