I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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