You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
