this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
