theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
