We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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