I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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