Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize