i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
