i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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