As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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