i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize