You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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