I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize