she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
