So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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