Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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