does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's shark week go big or go home
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize