There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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