its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
