Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
