dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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