My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
