Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
