So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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