Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
