I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I pour the whiskey from now on
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
