there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
