If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize
