I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Randomize
