Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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