The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
