i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
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