I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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