i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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