I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize