I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
