I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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