Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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