So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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