Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
