Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
dude. I can hear the air.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
