I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize