Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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