grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
COCAINE IS GR8
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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