He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Sober January is a disaster.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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