her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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