If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
