I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
