I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
