I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
PS: I just woke up from my shower
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Randomize
