How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
