I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
