He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Randomize
